A big welcome back to guest poster Lavinia De La Roux with this wonderful guide on how to centre and ground yourself when you start to feel anxious but (AND THIS IS IMPORTANT) want to continue having sex. This is not to be used as a way to override your insticts, survival or otherwise.
As someone who battles with anxiety and panic attacks most of the time, sometimes getting intimate can be hard no matter how horny I am or how much I want my husband. I have several strategies that I use to cope with this and help myself relax and enjoy what’s happening.
First, it helps to have a partner you feel safe with, who you can talk to and be completely open and honest with. Someone who’s patient and who enjoys pleasuring you.
Unless I’m caught off guard and unexpected/unplanned sexy time happens, most of the time I try to get intimate I get a case of the ‘what ifs’
Thoughts like ‘What if I start to feel unwell?’ ‘What if I panic and freak out?’ ‘What if I embarrass myself?’ ‘What if I fart on him’ or ‘When I feel full, like I’m going to burst, am I going to pee myself or would that be squirting?’ and most scary of all… ‘What if I lose control?’
I find that when my mind starts to wander, (whether it be to a place of panic or an everyday thought like ‘there’s washing to do’ or ‘the grass needs cutting’) it helps to gently push it back towards the positive things. One of the techniques I use is grounding through my senses. It not only helps me to be more in the moment, feel calmer and more in control but it also heightens the sensations, making the encounter even more sexy and erotic.
Scent:
How does your partner smell? Do they wear a cologne or perfume that turns you on? Does their skin have a scent that does magical things to your insides? That makes you feel safe and loved and sexy?
If I’m feeling particularly on edge, I dab a soothing scented oil on the pillows or nearby that helps to keep me calm. Having a diffuser with a nice scent might also he helpful.
Sight:
How does your partner look when they’re in the throes of pleasure? How do the light and shadows play over their face and body? What colour are their eyes? Their skin? Their hair? Focus on the parts of them you love the most, the parts that make you hot and bothered with just a glance. How do your bodies look together? Are your hands entwined? Is their arm around you? And my favourite; where do your bodies meet? The sight of his cock sliding into me always turns me on and distracts me from my inner turmoil.
Hearing:
What can you hear? What sounds does your partner make? Can you hear their breathing? Can you hear how it changes when they’re excited? What about their heartbeat? Can you hear your own heartbeat and breathing? What sounds do they make when they’re turned on? Do they moan or groan or grunt? What is their voice like? Does it go low and husky? Do they whisper under their breath or do they express their pleasure loudly?
You could also try having the TV or a movie on in the background or music playing as something to distract you if you begin to feel more anxious.
Taste:
Flavoured lube in your favourite flavour can work well for this but you can use chocolate or anything else that you like. Hell, if tomato ketchup or mustard gets you off, go for that. I highly recommend golden syrup, it's sticky but it’s worth it.
Focus on how your partner's skin tastes. On their lips and mouth – particularly if they’ve eaten or drank something you like. If you like doing oral like me, think about how your partner tastes ‘down there’. Does it change when they are close to orgasm?
Feel:
This can be tricky if there are negative sensations going on in your body. Anxiety can cause stomach cramps, dizziness, nausea, headaches, etc. The trick is to zone in on the positive sensations.
Does your skin tingle when your partner touches you? Which areas are you feeling pleasure from? Your nipples? Your cock? Your clit? Your balls? What are the sensations like? Do they pulse and throb? Do they build and build? Are they heightened when your partner touches you a certain way? How do they touch you? Urgent? Reverent? Slowly? Hard? Gentle? Feather-light? Are they using their tongue? Their mouth? Their fingers? How does their body feel pressing against your own?
Do you feel hot? Is there a gentle breeze from an open window teasing your warm skin and heightening the feelings?
I love the sensation of my husband’s cock pressing into me, the knowledge that he’s excited and the promise that I’ll have him inside me soon. It builds the anticipation and helps me to push out negative thoughts. I love him stroking my skin and kissing and nipping my neck. I love it when he teases me mercilessly until I’m so wet that by the time he goes ‘down there,’ his fingers slip inside me like they were made to be there.
You can also think about how what you’re sitting or lying on feels like, is it a soft blanket? A hard floor? Something cold?
The biggest thing for me is the reminder not to aim for orgasm. The aim is to have fun and enjoy myself, not to cum. I find if I put too much pressure on actually orgasming, it can stop it from happening because I tie myself in knots. Yes, it can be frustrating when you don’t cum, but there’s always next time and as long as you enjoyed yourself, that’s what counts.
Comments