This post comes with a content warning. I will be discussing some of my trauma but I will be trying not to delve too deeply. I got you, just thought I had better warn you.
In the world of non monogamous sex, vetting is a big thing. It is for me anyway. If I am going to have sex with someone, even if I am never going to see them again, I want to make as sure as possible that having sex with them is as safe as possible. The last thing I want is to have a meltdown or CPTSD flashback while I am engaging in something that should be fun. Not to mention that it is something that isn't an everyday occurrence so you want the memories of it to sustain you till next time, not traumatise you and put you off doing it again.
In a club situation you are in a room with people who think the same as you and if there are problems, you should have a clear escalation route so you can do something about it, become safe again and save anyone else from having to deal with them. And word gets around. If someone misbehaves in any way in these settings, you should be able to go to the next one without worrying that you will see them again. Because that is part of it, isn't it? The fear of having to bump into them. Of feeling like you were not taken seriously because you complained. Feeling excluded. Unsafe.
When you are doing this at home and arranging it yourself, you are the route of escalation. (Yes, I am aware that saying it that way instead of escalation route sounds a bit D&D but I'm going to leave it like that) So you have to be the one who does the vetting. Yes, it can be tedious but boundaries and respecting them are a BIG part of group sex so you want to try as much as possible to get it right first time. So you chat. And you find out who they are and what they are looking for. And you try to weed out the ones waving red flags*. I covered some of this before, but this is more for when they have passed the initial sort and sift and have got through to the second round of interviews.
Things to look out for.
(yes, ALL of these things have been said to me by potentials)
"I don't believe in safe words, they are for people who can't take it."
Sir, if you don't believe in safe words then I believe you will not be joining us.
"After care is for wusses."
After care is to prevent trauma as much as possible and is for EVERYBODY who is involved. This is why after we play, there is always food and tea and a chat if wanted. Grounding and aftercare helps you process any 'bad' feelings or previous trauma issues that have arisen. And it isn't just for subs. Make sure you give the dom a blankie and a drink too because they may be feeling bad for what they just did to you.
"No need to meet up beforehand, it's just a shag innit?"
You know, for some people that is fine. I am not generally one of those people. If I fuck you without having physically met you, you live in rareified air. If you don't get this, move along.
"I don't do condoms."
Then Sir, you do not do me.
"Go on, you'll love it. Feels so much better."
This is non negotiable. No barebacking.
"Fucking stuck up bitch."
Vindication! Boy, bye. Blocked.
"Sends unsolicited dickture picture"
Gets major bollocking then blocked.
"Boundaries are there to be pushed."
NOPE.
"I don't'bother with ongoing consent. As soon as we start, I assume I can do anything."
And now Sir, I assume you are a rapist.
This list is not, unfortunately, exhaustive.
The wider point is that you should always trust your instincts where it comes to people you will be fucking. Some of them may slip through your net, which is why I always have SH there so he can enforce my boundaries with me, but if someone seems dodgy, block and move on. You owe them nothing. Not your time, not your manners, not your body. We are socialised to be polite above all else, but fuck it, if you are uncomfortable with someone, there is usually a reason for that. Hypervigilance from trauma, from being neurodivergent, even from being an empath. Whatever the reason, listen to your gut. First red flag you see, get the fuck out of there*.
Fuck people who are worth your time. That's it. That's the post.
*Unless the flag is for the People's Republic of Sexiness.
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