If you read the wonderful Alyx G's post on facetime sex, you will know that they were struggling with doing dirty talk without feeling cringe. It was a real worry when I started my phone sex job that I would be absolutely dreadful at it and not last a day. It turned out that those fears were unfounded and I was really good at it.
Before now, I hadn't really taken the time to figure out why that was, but having had time to think, I have come to some conclusions. I will share my top tips with you here.
Embarassment.
When I was younger and a boyfriend asked me to talk dirty to him, I was too embarassed to do so. Now, I understand that embarassment is the cousin of shame and shame is the dramatic auntie of low self esteem. Low self esteem likes to go around with patriarchal and societal, the standards of beauty. And with a gang that big watching you, waiting for you to be sexually empowered so they can slap you down back into your place, is it any wonder that you find yourself maybe muttering about how they look a bit sexy. It isn't as bad (or as funny) as the meme that I cannot find now about the scouse woman asked to do dirty talk who shouted "GO ON YER BIG MEFF" during the act, but you can feel a bit exposed when you are not used to it.
"I know you want this, tell me how badly you want this." is still felt the preserve of those other women. You know, the pretty women with flat stomachs and perky boobs. We fail to understand that we have something over those women. We are there, and we want to fuck. There is not a woman more beautiful or perfect as you in that moment. If they are there, naked and in the mood, you have already won. Time to claim the spoils.
So what is it that you should say?
When I had the threesome with SH and A, my opening line was "Well, my mouth is feeling really empty, I am sure you both have something I could fill it with." I have also gone with "That cock isn't going to suck itself now, is it?" as a dirty talking opener.
And remember, you don't have to talk like Jessica Rabbit or the Caramel Bunny to pull it off either. Though I am now wondering what other cartoon bunnies are thought of as sexy and why? Though Jessica is only a rabbit by marriage I suppose.
But my point remains. You don't have to talk like a 40's film star to sound sexy. I find things like "Bring that ass over here woman, I am hungry" works whatever tone of voice I use.
So now you are in a position where, for instance, you have a vagina and the object of your lust is about to put their penis in it. They say "say something dirty to me..."
Now. This is where the verbal fight or flight kicks in. And this is also where you have to realise that NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY NEXT he is still going to want to fuck you. It ain't that deep. I generally say something that is relevant to the kind of thing we like or that I want to do in that moment. So, I might say "fuck me like I mean nothing to you, make me choke on your cock". Or I might say "What are you waiting for? Let me squeeze that dick with my cunt."
In any other setting, this matter of fact-ness is welcomed, why not now? And dirty talk doesn't have to be only during sex. I was once at a really boring social event for a very boring organisation with SH. I leant over and whispered in his ear "how do you fancy fucking me in an alley on the way back to the hotel?" I then smiled at the president of said very boring organisation and told him I was having a lovely time, turned around and walked off to talk to a friend while SH tried to carry on a conversation with him. In said alley on the way back to the hotel I stopped and lifted my skirt. He had thought I was joking. I really fucking wasn't.
Dirty talk is something that can be practiced all the time to be honest. A text to a woman I was seeing telling her that next time I saw her I was going to run my mouth all over her ass before sticking it in her juicy little asshole always seemed to do the trick.
And the thing is, if you are comfortable enough with a person to be having sex with them, then you should be comfortable enough to talk dirty with them.
If they say "I am going to stick my cock so far down your throat you choke" then counter with "do it, I want to feel your balls slap against my chin." Meet them where they are, then run with it.
Another tip I find helpful is to use two adjectives to describe body parts. I have no idea why this works, but it does.
"I want to suck your cock."
"I want to suck your thick, juicy cock."
See? It just works. Telling people with penises than just the thought of it on your mouth, your open, willing mouth, makes your lips tingle. Saying that it makes you wet. That your clit is throbbing, expectant. I like to throw the word ridiculous in too. "Your ass is ridiculously tasty".
Giving permission while talking dirty is HOT. Having a woman tell me "This cunt isn't going to eat itself now, is it?" got me SO turned on. It helped too that she was amazing at dirty talk. She told me I was doing well "that's right, eat that pussy". She told me when I was in the right spot, "yes, yes, right there, do not fucking move".
(this is also a handy tip when a man is going down on you and getting it right, because I don't know if it is because they watch so much porn, but lads, harder does not mean faster, right there does not mean move, that feels good does not mean move, in fact, if she is making the right noises, KEEP. DOING. THAT.)
I find when I am asked to talk dirty it is because my partner wants me to be more brazen in that moment and show that they are appreciating what is happening. and they probably want you to take a bit of control.
Bearing that in mind, if they say "talk dirty to me" and you really can't think of what to say, try this. It is the one I pull out in case of emergency, and I gift it to you. Lie back, hands behind your head, look them straight in the eye, and say,
"Make me cum and I'll think about it."
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