There is going to be a discussion around weight on this post. About my ongoing issues with my body and my eating disorder. I know it doesn't sound that sexy, but there is a correlation. If this is a dicey subject for you then I honestly will not mind if you give this one a miss. Look after yourself.
That being said. SH is cooking bacon downstairs. I can smell it wafting through the house. But no bacon for me at the moment, I need to lose weight.
Do I want to lose weight? Meh. It will make shopping for clothes easier I suppose, but I am actually quite happy with how I look.
So why are you doing it? I am due to have an operation later in the year and they need to do all sorts of testing before I can have it and before I can start the testing, my BMI needs to be at a certain level. And yes, we know BMI is bullshit, and has no real bearing on health or anything else, it certainly doesn't take my tits into account. They're a 36K so if we lobbed them off, my BMI would already be within range. My nurse tells me that her BMI is much higher than mine, but it isn't her who is having the op, so she can eat the bacon.
Luckily for me, my autism makes me A-OK with same foods, so my diet at the moment is weetabix for breakfast (with sugar as canderel makes me feel nauseous and life is far too short) rice cakes with hummus, cottage cheese and grapes for lunch and chicken and salad/rice for tea. For pudding I am having low fat yoghurts.
And like I say, my autism is like, THIS IS BLOODY GREAT, NO MORE CHOOSING WHAT FOOD TO EAT AS WE KNOW. BRING ON THE SEXY, SEXY, ROUTINE. And I am like, you don't have to shout, autism. And my autism is like SORRY I DIDN'T REALISE I WAS.
How is this affecting my sex life?
Well, here's the thing. Much like every AFAB person in the world, I was led to believe that the skinnier I was, the sexier I was. I asked one ex if he would still love me if I was fat. He replied that he would, but (I have since learned that nothing good ever comes after the but) he wouldn't take me out because he wouldn't want me to be embarrassed. Another one told me, "having you on my arm is like driving a Ferrari, I don't want to go back to driving an Escort." I was with a guy once who was 22st and he told me that "we" needed to lose some weight. I was negged, bullied, driven to starvation and a stay in hospital because, believe it or not, being 5'10" and less that nine stone is NOT FUCKING HEALTHY. (me that time).
I worked hard to survive my eating disorder and it is still there, in the background, waiting for me to lose control of my life so it can control what goes in my mouth, but fuck me if I didn't still fall foul of hating my body no matter how much it weighed.
Two things have helped pull me out of that. One is Sexy Husband (SH) and the way he absolutely worships my body no matter what size or shape, (see My Belly... for details) and the second is the sheer amount of men who called me a goddess when I was in the panty selling business.
I made custom videos for them too and they really wanted to see all my fat rolls. Arse gone a bit to jelly? They fucking love it. They want you to sit on their faces and put all your weight on them. A POV video I made of my foot crashing down and then making a squishing motion while my whole body jiggled went for enough money that it paid my moving costs. I made another one of me crashing to my knees, letting all my weight crash down afterwards then wriggling my hips from side to side made enough to pay the rental deposit. Yes, I made good money doing custom orders on panties, but the videos made me feel powerful and sexy.
Because, you know what? I am fucking powerful and sexy, and so the fuck are you.
I have always, but not exclusively, fancied bigger women. If you are taller than me as well then Hubba Fucking Hubba. I want to feel your flesh, and your power and your desire, and I don't want you to hold back.
I fucked a woman once for whom it was her first time. We got over her giggles quite quickly and she was screaming my name soon enough. I like hearing my name when people I don't love cum because of me. I don't even know why that is, but I am like yeah, you tell em who fucked you good. Maybe I have the spirit of a 60's blaxploitation film character that possess me now and then, but I fucking love it. Say my name. Louder.
Anyhoo! Before I have to break for a wank, this woman. Let's call her Red. She is one of those who is pear shaped. If said pear has a really big lower half. I mean, her thighs were enormous and I could not wait to be made deaf by them. I had a really good time with Red. I introduced her to her own asshole, to tribbing and to sitting across me and being fucked by my strap on. She really liked that if I remember rightly, especially after I told her I didn't need her to put a show on for me.
Performative sex does nothing for me. I don't want to see you giving a porn star performance, if you're feeling it then show me, if you need to move a little to the left or have me go faster, or slower, tell me. There is nothing that turns me on more than slow fucking that makes you make that slow, low, breathy noise as you make your way to climax town. Just writing that sentence has made my clit throb and my own breathing slow down. When you tell me a little bit to the left and I can hear I hit the spot, I like to say "yes?" and have you reply "yesss". Let's slow it down so you can actually feel my plastic cock sliding into you and out and in and out. I will tell you how much I love fucking you and say "I wish you could see yourself from this angle, you are a fucking goddess" as I run my hands all over you, tracing every lump, bump and jiggly bit. I'll pull you forward and kiss you while my hands hold your ass and move it up and down on my strap on.
I remember with one woman, she was really conscious about her body, couldn't understand how I would want her when she was. in her words, " a dumpy cow". I asked her to undress. "Slowly, slower than that, no, move your hands, I want to see you." while telling her how beautiful her body was as it was revealed to me. She started to loosen up and let go, she came alive as I told her how sexy she was, how I let her go at her own pace and only moved forward when she was ready.
Eventually, we got to what I see as my treat when having sex with a woman. The face sitting. I love having someone sit on my face, filling my whole world with beautiful, fragrant, delicious cunt. Bigger women tend not to want to do it. I have been one of those women. All it takes for a woman (or otherwise AFAB people) to lose confidence and not want to sit on someone's face is a stupid remark. If your partner lost interest in sex 20 years ago, you gotta wonder what it was you did 19 and a half years ago to turn her off.
If a partner has ever said "babe, I'd suffocate" or words to that effect then they do not deserve you. When we have been told that we are valued by our BMI more than our intellect, that unless we fit western patriarchal standards of beauty we are to be discarded, when contouring skills are valued more than kindness, it is no surprise that we are reticent to sit on your face, even if you say you want us too. It is no surprise that we don't want to ask, just in case you answer in the way that one of my exes did, "I don't think I can do that, your vagina looks angry and scary."
And this is where I come in as your lover. I want you to deafen me with your thighs. Rub your cunt all over my face. I will take my breaths where I can, but that is not for you to worry about. Rock on my tongue as hard as you want to, as hard as you need to, you will know I like it by the smile you feel on your vulva, you will hear that I love it by the sound of me cumming, you will feel that I need it by the spasms of my body as I do.
When you cum, do it hard, try and break me, do it loud, sing out that pleasure, and drown me with your juices, I want to taste them, taste you.
And when you are done, don't jump off thinking that I have had enough or that you have suddenly got too heavy for me. Rub yourself on my tongue, treat yourself to an aftershock, it's on me.
And when you do climb off, don't do so as a peasant who now needs to remember their station, do it like a queen who took what she deserved.
You are a fucking goddess. Fucking act accordingly.
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