Here at Duct Tape and Daddy Issues we are inclusive of all sexualities, and love to educate people on the different types. This week's post is a lesson in never expecting the expected and just how fulfilling that can be.
Born in a parallel universe where Sonic the Hedgehog is not even in the top ten Fastest Things Alive this week's contributor lives in a tree with a fox who is cunningly disguised as an owl. Together they write adventures of Moo the Space Cow and eat mashed potato with strawberries. Enjoy.
This story begins on a July evening at London Paddington station. Comic Con had finished, getting a hotel for an extra night would've been a nightmare and it was either that or travelling to West Wales in one sitting. Fuck. That.
Cancelled.
Luckily, I'd done some planning ahead of time and the next step was waiting for the 20:02 service to Weston-Super-Mare.
"Just caught the train. I'm on my way."
"Awesome! Oh, it's up to you where you want to sleep. I'm fine sharing my bed which is a double, or there is a couch in our living room you can knock out on"
The first couple of hours flew but then I got to Bristol Temple Meads. My iPod died and the next 30 minutes or so were hell. Now hear me out, I love Lizzo as much as the next person but having her songs screamed at me a few times in a row in a crowded carriage, not so much.
If I'd heard "Okay (Okay), alright" or "In a minute, I'ma need a sentimental man or woman to pump me up" one more about damn time, I would've lost it.
“I’ll meet you at 10:25.”
Delayed.
“Hello.”
10 minutes later, we arrived back at the house and that little voice started losing its shit. Oh my god! This is it! It's actually happening! We took some drinks upstairs, tucked it and settled down with a film.
We watched Van Helsing with Hugh Jackman. Unfortunately, no, we didn't watch the movie WITH Hugh Jackman but how awesome would that have been if we had?! A quick side note here, as a couple of Lord of the Rings fans, Faramir as a monk didn't go unnoticed either. He might have been a friar but I digress. For some reason he decided to play this man of faith in a way I can only describe as human C-3PO. To this day, 'Why?' remains a total mystery. We made the only logical assumption any Tolkien nerds would and figured it was proof that Faramir had NOT taken 'Least favourite son' well.
1 A.M. and the film finished. How I knew the night would end and this being my first time didn't scare me anymore.
"Just so you know, if you wake me up before 9, I'm going to kill you."
Fair.
"Good night. Love you loads."
"Sleep well. Love you too."
AND YOU THOUGHT?! You really thought we were no better than Netflix and Chill? Oh for shame, dear reader. For shame.
We'd gone to bed together and watched a good movie so I was bound to casually put my arm around my friend, we'd make out or start fucking each other silly. Or both. Right?
Wrong!
How dare you? First of all, we watched cult classics at best because in this house, we have standards. Not to mention when we slept together, there was a major emphasis on the word 'slept'.
This is how the morning after the night before went.
We woke up, checked our phones and mere seconds later, the penny dropped. "Absolutely not. It's way too early. That's disgusting." So what was the plan? Closing our eyelids until such an immoral time of day got bored and left. Worked like a charm.
A couple of hours later, or just one less ungodly, we talked about everything and nothing. We watched TikToks and hailed whoever coined "Wombat Combat Ass" as a hero of our times. Whatever it ended up being, we NEVER had these chats on an empty stomach. Hot chocolate. Squash. Nutella on toast. Perfection right there.
After brunch, our next piece of cinema was I, Frankenstein and by some miracle, the bastards got us invested. Whoever made this beautiful mess wanted Cate Blanchett, who said "Not a chance." Thankfully, someone up there did casting in the laziest way imaginable by sticking with the LOTR trilogy, thus Queen Eowyn was born. Also, fun fact: did you know that when gargoyles die, they make Chewbacca noises? Me neither.
These points were peanuts compared to Aaron Eckhart. Is that the guy from The Dark Knight? Yes. Did he get the role based solely on Harvey Dent? Without a shadow of a doubt. Were they so shameless about it that he got a dumbed down "hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now" speech? You bet!
And yet, somehow the movie went one better. Hand on heart, it tried to make Frankenstein's monster sexy. That’s right, the masses looked upon a shirtless man made out of other people's dead bodies and knowing this, collectively thought "Honestly, I would", exactly as Mary Shelley intended. After all, it’s just like he said:
"You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become Frankenstein's thirst trap."
I'll leave you with this. A simple but beautiful truth. Before I got to Weston, the idea that friends were allowed to sleep together in the same bed without anything happening was but a myth I'd heard once upon a time. Since the day I heard the legend, I knew I had to try it. Let it forever be known that it's so much more.
When I dozed off, I dreamed sweet dreams knowing our vanilla overlords would be furious if they could see us at that moment. Why would they be so angry? There's going to be no gossip. Then again, seeing how they've gone on record saying our way of doing things is reserved for "real" relationships time and time again, those boring fuckers can die mad about it.
It had always been my dream to bring about the collapse of society when a cosy disaster struck by watching a so-bad-it's-good movie. Causing the downfall of civilization by putting on a film that leaves anyone with more questions than when the thing started and sleeping like a log alongside a dear friend. Now picture it WITHOUT hooking up first. Yeah. Right?!
That’s us. That’s how powerful we are.
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